Christine is a half breed ...

HALF-BREED – Probably the one word that sums up the various hurtful, hateful ways people found to express their confusion about what being a MULTI-RACIAL person means. As a child, I never questioned my ethnicity. I just knew my mom was Caucasian (or if you wanna get specific, Italian/French/Irish) and my dad was Filipino. My brother and I are 2 of only 3 kids in my father’s immediate family that aren’t full Filipino but I never knew it because my family embraced us. On my mom’s side I had cousins who were half-mexican so the concept of being “mixed” wasn’t really something that was discussed. My first memory of any conversation between me and another person about my ethnic background was in elementary school , the first time I recall anyone asking “what are you?”. But I really wasn’t truly aware of all the question marks that constantly surrounded me until I got a little older, when I realized it was apparent to everyone else that there were clearly some obvious differences in my appearance compared to my mom. I attended a mother-daughter work day and when she introduced me to one of her coworkers, the woman actually asked (and to my dismay, IN FRONT OF ME) if I was adopted. I was still quite young but felt offended and embarrassed that someone asked my own mom such a rude question. Unfortunately things only got worse as I progressed into my middle school/teen years. At a time when there is nothing more important than fitting in and belonging, I felt more awkward and uncomfortable with my appearance than ever. I knew I looked different, and it doesn’t really matter how attractive you are or if you are a wonderful person, at 13 years of age being different is just not okay. I felt like there was a spotlight on me at all times, from the jerk-boys that liked me because of my appearance, from the girls who hated me because of the boys, from the people who simply found pleasure in making sure I knew I didn’t belong. I heard “You’re not really asian” often, along with “you’re just a white girl” among other negative references to being white – since apparently it was just not cool to be white. And due to a boy I was dating that other girls liked, I received prank calls, hateful voice-mails from girls I didn’t even know, people talking about me behind my back, spreading rumors that weren’t true, even threats. Even people I thought of as friends at the time casually made references to me being “white” or “not asian”, not even realizing they were being hurtful.

And the kicker – some of these so-called “friends” were multi-racial themselves but somehow avoided the harassment. I wanted so badly to fit in but no matter what I did I just couldn’t hide who I was as it was written all over my face. As a defense, I became angry, built up walls with the hopes of blocking out the ridicule and hate. I had a major attitude and acted out, going through an extreme rebellious phase as I tried to find peace and figure out my own identity. I stopped trying to fit in, avoided becoming a part of any particular social group at school and spent too many years in a bad relationship. The years went by I eventually grew out of the rebelliousness as it became exhausting to feel so angry all of the time. I started making better choices as I developed and evolved, and somewhere along the lines society decided it is socially acceptable, even preferred, to be multi-racial – or the term that gets thrown around more frequently, “exotic”. Now people say I’m beautiful because I’m multi-racial which is still a little hard for me to grasp. As much as times have changed, there are still lasting effects from the years I was bullied. I still feel a little discomfort when people make comments about my appearance, and I’m awkward even when receiving compliments. I’m particular about how much I expose of myself at all times and very protective of my own image. It’s still hard for people to guess my ethnicity, but I finally feel okay with that. I love my family and am very proud of my entire cultural background, but I finally accept that I don’t look like any one particular race because I embrace all the beautiful cultures that make me who I am in every way. I may only be half-Filipino, or half-white, but I am a whole human being with a good heart – and that’s what really matters.